Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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