i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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