Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
