Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
