you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
