Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I don't deserve a penis
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
