Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
