Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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