Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
