I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
