the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We were destined to go to rehab together
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
