One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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