I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
