You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
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