ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
