I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
