So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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