If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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