Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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