just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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