the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
