What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
