on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
