i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
