But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
