I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
