Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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