Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
