Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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