If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
