now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
