why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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