He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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