I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sext me about skeletons
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
