my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
