Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
