you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
