I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
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