if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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