What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
