this beer tastes like vomit already
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
