I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
