Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
