She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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