Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
