:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
