woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
