Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
