Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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