God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
