I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
