She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
