Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
