you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
