Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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